13 / my awful and stupid big blue chair
Look:
Sometimes it happens where you wake up one morning and it hits you how much you fucking hate the awful big blue chair in your room—the one you use as a desk chair, that you sit in every day and that gets in your way as you navigate around your room because it has an inexplicably high but narrow back but deeply thick body; the one that obstructs your view of your desk from your bed, a view you didn’t know you wanted to see, and only through its obstruction by this awful, fake leather blue chair that inexplicably is in your room, did you realize it has any value at all; the chair that occupies your mind so that even when you think you're free of it, even then a part of you is consumed by your duty to hate the awful stupid dumb ugly chair that's in your room.
This is not just a story: this is my life. Every morning, I wake up and have to look at this awful blue chair that by Satan's hand has come into my life like a cancer, taking space and sucking out the marrow of my world. Every night I pray that in the morning the chair will be gone and replaced by a better chair, and every morning I wake up, my life still yoked to the reality of the chair. It's completely humiliating, and it makes me feel like nothing in the world is possible, that my dreams are stupid, that the world is banal and boring and ugly and uncomfortable and will be forevermore.
Do you guys know about how when the Eiffel Tower first debuted all these snarky French intellectuals were like “the best place in Paris is the Eiffel Tower because it’s the only place you can’t SEE the Eiffel Tower”?? Then they said the same thing about the Tour Montparnasse, which is just like a normal skyscraper, and for which that snarky critique honestly resonates a bit more because it’s literally a like plain skyscraper in the middle of Vieille Paris whereas at least the Eiffel Towel is doing something. Anyway, that's how I feel about the blue chair in my room. I sit in it and I give myself the pleasure of a sigh of relief that for one fucking second of my fucking life I don’t have to look at the stupid chair.
I want to say that the chair’s presence in my life is inexplicable, but there is actually a partial, literal explanation for why it’s there: I bought it. I saw it on craigslist, it was $10, and close to my house, and was like a striking (or so I thought) primary color, which is how I’ve find success in finding other furniture, and I emailed them, and I went there, and brought it home. The way I chose to pick it up was, of course, insane, mirroring the insanity of my choice to buy it at all. I opted to pick it up while my laundry was in the dryer, which, I reasoned, would give me just enough time to pick up the chair, bring it home, and return to the laundromat to put my laundry in the drier. Of course, when I got there, the son of the man who posted the chair didn’t have change for my $20, so I had to run (and if you know me, you know that when I say “run” I mean run, like running, like almost sprinting down the sidewalk, which I for better or worse do at least three times a day because that's how often I am running late) run to the a restaurant that gave me change, run back to the building (from which I was now inexplicably locked out, the chair visible through the glass front door but the man gone, until, ten minutes later he returned) and speed walk home, carrying the chair, drop it off, and go put my laundry in the dryer, at this point having sat wet in the washer for thirty minutes. My boyfriend and I had broken up three days prior to this, so factor that in if you can.
Trust me. The chair is awful. It's narrow, which in theory for a chair seems ridiculous and in practice is even worse. It's cobalt blue, which is the color of the “The Dress” from BuzzFeed when the dress was blue and black and not white and gold. The color is so awful so as to be personally insulting, and it’s actually mortifying to think that I was ever seduced by it. The chair curves back at the top it rounds out in this way that is so awful and stupid it actually far exceeds my linguistic capacity, which is why I'm going to post a picture so you can evaluate for yourself.
Why is it so thin? Why is it like this? Also by the way this is what some part of my room looks like which feel really intimate to share but here it is.
Many people (my mom; probably others; likely you) will say to me “Well Charlie, if you hate the chair so much you should just get rid of it and get a new chair.” Well needless to say it’s completely not that simple at all. You can’t just get a new chair, and the worst mistake would be getting rid of the chair and getting a substitute that’s also not good, and the thought of subjecting myself to the vulnerability of staking my taste once again on a piece of furniture that will in all likelihood let me down? Fully emotionally too much to bear. Also I can’t explain why I can’t get rid of the chair but I just can’t right now, I have a lot of stuff going on and I don’t have time to manage the process of getting a new chair, so I need you to trust me that all I can do right now is try to manage the emotions that the chair brings up.
When people come in to my room I always preemptively apologize for the chair, and they often say “Oh no, I don’t mind the chair” or even “Oh, the chair is nice.” Maybe this is what you're thinking now looking at the picture of the chair. You, and they, are wrong. It's not nice: it’s awful, and I live with it every day and when you suggest that there is something redeeming about it I understand that you’re trying to make me appreciate it and maybe that’s even psychotically how you actually feel, but know that when you say that it makes me feel like my worldview is completely being erased and that I’m going crazy because if I can’t trust myself to know that this chair is completely so stupid and ugly and awful then literally what can I trust?
Why do I hate it so much? It is possible that the reason I hate the chair is that it carries with it the memory of that frantic, desperate energy of when I picked it up, though that’s not all. I think it represents more broadly an embarrassing failure in my grasping at a better, more beautiful life. I've always wanted my room to be not only beautiful but also to be a space I could naturally flow within—a room that anticipates my needs and takes care of my body and mind and enriches my life and supports my flourishing. But no matter how hard I’ve tried I’ve never been able to do manifest it. I’m always the way of something and stuff always feels a little bit untidy no matter how hard I try. I try to remind myself that the perfect space I imagine is impossible, and that I can and should try to find joy in the process of learning how to build space (nerd alert) but it’s hard when it seems like it comes to some people so easily.
Including the likes here so you know that this resonated.
Buying the right thing is so stressful in general, and when it comes to big functional pieces like desks and dressers and chairs and rugs, it is doubly so. I’ve bought two rugs in my life and each one makes me absolutely want to shrivel and die. The one I have now is this stupid white fake fur rug that I bought online for $20 knowing that I would absolutely hate it and lo and behold now I have it and I look at it every day and I absolutely hate it. So what now.
There is good news: I have several pieces in my room that I love very much. I love parts of my wall; I LOVE my dresser, another Craigslist find, which makes me happy truly day after day; I love my corner shelves, which Caroline Doyle built for me (thank you!!!!); I love my wardrobe. So there are some successes in my project of building a beautiful room, and I’m grateful for them. Amen.
My beautiful new lamp. Including it also to highlight that I buy strawberry gum, and as a subtle brag that I was at one point the #1 Kid.
My dresser <3 this pic is from when I was catsitting my dad's cat Leo, and is from my old apartment, though I still have the dresser.
SHOWS
Wednesdays all month / 8pm – August Exploration (Jones Beach Bar)
Show is the love of my literal life <3 come!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 6 / 9pm – Send In The Clowns (Friends And Lovers)
OKAY!!!! guess what!!!! after months of literal begging, Eytan and Liam have let me CO-HOST their beloved show, Send In The Clowns. I cannot wait – it's such a fun show and I can't wait to hang out onstage with these two amazing boys.
Friday, February 7 / 9pm – Explore The Clowns (Brooklyn Comedy Collective – $10)
Okay.... so this is how this week is going. Wednesday: hosting my weekly show "August Exploration" with Natalie. Thursday: guest-hosting Eytan and Liam's weekly show "Send In The Clowns." FRIDAY: EPIC CROSSOVER EVENT "EXPLORE THE CLOWNS." After back to back hosting gigs, Natalie, Liam, Eytan and I will take some much needed time to process our prior two days of shows, do some new solo material, and host a panel discussion and Q&A. I'm super excited lol!!!
Saturday, February 8 / 8pm – Butt Dream (The Rack Shack)
Fun show in a lingerie store! Will be doing some thinking here about underwear and our relationship to it.
Tuesday, February 11 / 8:30pm – Animal Show (The Well - $10)
Returning to this classic Brooklyn show <3 this was the first show that I ever got asked to do I think, so it feels so nice to come back :)
Tuesday, February 11 / 9pm – We Go Way Back: 24 Fest (C'Mon Everybody - $10)
Literally Allison O'Conor (whose last name looks like you put "O" placeholders between CNR does that make sense) is putting together a festival of all comedians who are 24, which I literally am. I have so many friends on this show because many of my friends are my age (I am simple in this way). This show is sure to sell out and is going to be amazing.
Thursday, February 13 / 8pm – Stacy: She's Reckoning With Her Power (Rebecca's)
Stacy!!! Our amazing monthly show <3 This month we have: Isaiah Lorenzo, Youngmi Mayer, Mariah Oxley, Olivia Rodrigues, and Tim Bridge <3
Thursday, February 20 / 9pm – Emily Wilson's Show (Gran Torino)
Emily Wilson is a really dynamic comedian AND singer so
Friday, February 21 / 8pm – Executive Witches (Plaxall Gallery – $15)
On the opening show of this I wanna say production company???????? Literally epic
Wednesday, February 26 / 8pm – Cabernet Cabaret (Club Cumming - $5)
On Catherine Cohen's weekly show! Prob gonna do a fun goofy musical thing here cuz there's a piano. YES I can sing. I may also do not a goofy musical thing but actually just sing for real
SHOWS I'M NOT IN BUT NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTED TO RECOMMEND
Saturday, February 8 / 10pm – How To Start A Fire (Union Hall - $10)
Sydnee Washington is one of the best and funniest and most original performers in the city. This is the second time she's running this show, and I heard such amazing things the first time, and cannot wait to see it.
Monday, February 10 / 8pm – Ellen Is The Only Ally (Union Hall – $10)
I of course can't recommend this show enough.... I will be there..... if you go on my recommendation, PLEASE let me know and say hi <3