15 / wherein I address my experience with the world-famous coronavirus
hi all <3
There is obviously so much to say, and also of course in a different sense nothing to say. I have not left my apartment for three weeks and I've been overwhelmed at the prospect at organizing my thoughts into anything useful and coherence. And yet: noinky persoinky.
I'm going to send out more newsletters soon because ultimately, why not. Perhaps one a week. Perhaps more than that even. Time will needless to say tell.
my experience with the world famous coronavirus
Okay, so: I have coronavirus. I have NOT been tested because I have NOT been hospitalized (fortunately) and am not a celebrity (also fortunately), but I have had all the symptoms (fever, dry cough, chest pain, shortness of breath, headache, this insane eye pain) most of which I've never had before, so I feel like it's sort of safe to say.
I'm not fully over symptoms yet (on day 20 – epic), but I'm fine. All things considered I had a mild case—my breathing never got so bad that I lost the ability to speak, I was able to make myself food, I just felt like shit for like, three days, and then felt a little worse than normal for like, 16 days (ongoing). What was worse, mostly in the first week, was the anxiety, having heard stories of people being relatively fine and then suddenly without warning getting much worse, but now having had symptoms for over two weeks, I think I've evaded the possibility of it becoming terrible suddenly, and I'm gradually transitioning from my mortal anxiety into the boredom that everyone has been talking about. Now I'm waiting for the last 10% of symptoms to leave – mostly this occasional cough and a persistent shortness of breath when I exert myself (mostly when I climb the three flights of stairs to my roof). At a certain point, it's like...... ok sweetheart, enough is enough <3 time to move along <3
bored versus afraid
I'll admit that it's been somewhat alienating seeing people respond to the disruption in their present lives as if the quarantine is the main disruption, rather than quarantine being a necessary extension of the reality of a mass death event unfolding around us. When I was at my most sick, and my most afraid of dying, I remember reading posts from people who were complaining about how bored they were inside and being like........ I literally feel like I'm dying though? So like how about you paint a water color and read the room?????
Of course, now that I'm joining the part of the world who's something closer to bored, I'm learning that it's a bit more of an existential boredom—one that crosses into anguish a little more easily. What many people have been describing as "boredom" is actually broader and more painful and even scarier and can be something like a diffuse form of grief perhaps. It's one of those classic dilemmas where two different bad things are happening and how can you make space to acknowledge both while still acknowledging they have very different stakes. Is this possible? My team of scientists is literally working on it right now!!!!!!
I have learned that scrutinizing your body incessantly actually makes you crazy
Something I've been seeing a lot of, and experienced myself, is the anxiety that any aberrant sensation in your body is a harbinger of death. Because COVID-19 is so broad in its symptoms, any small pain or pressure or oddness is easily interpreted as the virus if you don't have it, or its progression if you do. It makes you truly crazy, especially since our bodies are prone to randomly inexplicably throbbing on their own. I've had to remind myself that certain pains and aches long predated the coronavirus.
It's difficult too because the more you pay attention to your body, the more you realize it's so difficult to understand. A week ago I got this crazy ocular headache that made it impossible to look at any screen or book for longer than ten seconds – what was that? What caused it? What was happening inside me? There was no way to know. Does anyone know what causes migraines, which fuck up the lives of millions of people across the year? My sense is not really!
In the next few days, this ocular headache wormed its way up the side of my head to the top of my skull. The pain felt like it moved – I no longer could feel it behind my left eye at all, but now when I coughed I could feel it in a specific ribbon from my right eye up alongside my head. What was that? Like what is going on in there? I remember in high school reading about ancient medicine, or even medicine in the Middle Ages, when doctors were like "the reason you are having trouble conceiving a child is you have too much Fire Humour which is burning the spermioles. This is caused by eating too many Red Foods like tomatoes" and thinking how naive they were. But now I get a headache and I'm like... well I guess I'll drink water I suppose............. We know so little!
It also feels useless to consider what knowledge is theoretically scientifically possible. There is ultimately no way for me to know for sure if I have coronavirus, and, after I stop experiencing symptoms, whether I have antibodies. In theory the testing capacity exists, but structurally it's inaccessible, and therefore might as well be impossible. I'm not in a country that is doing widespread testing, and for the foreseeable future the limiting testing capacity is reserved for extreme cases and I suppose the uber-wealthy.
We obviously don't know much more than we do know, but I will say it's frustrating what lacuna of knowledge concerns what's happening in-house (by which I mean our bodies). It would make a sort of sense if knowledge started inside and expanded outwards, so that you knew most about yourself and gradually less the farther away from yourself you got. But self-knowledge is hard to come by! Your friends and loved ones know things about you that you don't know about yourself – how you react when you're upset, habits you have, things that make you happy. Seems backwards in my opinion, and I AM making calls to my local representatives to see if they can make self-knowledge easier to come by.
in general, the ineffability of our experience of embodiment
I also keep running up against my ability to describe what I'm experiencing in my body. The best way I've been able to describe the shallowness of my breathing has been with the sensation of swallowing sea-water or drinking a Slurpee too fast. Does that resonate with you? A lot of people have not really connected with either metaphor.
There have been a few times in the past week where I've had almost no nameable symptoms, but I can literally feel the virus in my lungs because there's like...... a weirdness? Something like pressure, but not quite? I always feel this incapacity acutely whenever I've gone to the doctor. It makes me feel like a socially anxious middle schooler. "Ahhh. I don't know my throat just feels like. Awkward I guess. Ahhh," at which point I pull the strings of my rainbow tie-dye hoodie, closing the face hole, and yell at my mom.
moment of bragging about my friends' work
Okay, two incredible things:
My friends the Three Busy Debras made a tv show!!! It's on adult swim, the first episode is out here, and it's so, so funny. Next one on Sunday.
also: Rachel Kaly (her Twitter) (one of my oldest friends and of course also a comedy icon) is on the SEASON FINALE of High Maintenance TOMORROW!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!! I'm so proud of her and I cannot wait to watch it, it's the main thing I've been living for. This whole season is great and full of a lot of Brooklyn comedy icons (Edy Modica stars in an episode and is so good)...... watch the whole season and then watch Rachel!!!! I am so proud I love you Rachel!!!!!!
moment of sharing press I've gotten if that's even okay
I was in this New York magazine story about people shaving their head in quarantine, which by the way I did.
Also: someone who reads this newsletter wrote about it and my Twitter on LitHub!!! Isn't that cool :) this made me feel awesome :)
places to donate
I've been donating to places that more directly redistribute money! If you are working from home I think it's a moral imperative to redistribute a lot of the money you're making. 10 million people have filed for unemployment since this crisis began, and millions more have lost work and have been unable to file. What else do you have to spend money on in this moment? These are all places I've personally donated to, and are associated with organizers I trust! By the way it is obviously insane to have to fundraise for people's lives, this is something THE GOVERNMENT should be doing, but here we are.
Directly to Amazon workers in Queens exposed to COVID-19 – especially if you order from Amazon!
This New York Mutual Aid Fund
This COVID NYC Jail Bail Out
This Mutual Aid Fund in Newark
CRIP Fund, which is pooling money for chronically ill, disabled, and immunocompromised people who have significant financial need.
A lot of people need a lot of help!!! The good news is that you may be in a position to help, remotely. Whenever I donate I like to think about how much that amount of money means to me, and how much it would mean to someone with more need than me. $50 when you're broke or poor means so much more than when $50 when you have more!!!!! Seriously!!!!
Please let me know if you donate!!!! Or if you have other causes you'd like me to amplify. To be honest I donate a bunch but don't keep track of it because I am actually disorganized it turns out.
that's the end of the newsletter for now
bye :) love u guys
send me a response if u want!!!!