6 / there are too many variables :/
hi everyone –
this is april, the best month of the year <3. finally the hell of winter is over and we can soon get to the real work – saying “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” when people complain that it’s hot outside.
april is also the month of my birthday, which could not be closer. i’m turning 24 (divisible by 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, and 12) on the 11th (tomorrow!!!). this is convenient because if for any reason i need to divide the years of my life into even groups i will have a lot of options (2 groups of 12, 3 groups of 8, 4 groups of 6, or perhaps even the entire 24 years all at once). not sure when this would come up but it’s nice to have the option.
in turning older (tho to be honest, always) i’m thinking about improving my life and becoming a better person, which i have the desire for but unfortunately neither the energy nor the focus for. i have always been amazed by people who are able to identify single variables in their lives that contribute to their well-being, because for me, there are 9,000 variables for every single system i could try to improve or make more efficient.
i’ve been, for example, trying to cultivate a practice where i grow plants. a lot of people think there are just two variables in plants (light and water). maybe you’re like, “no, there’s a third variable at play – soil.” well guess what. all of those have 8-50 sub-variables, plus there are even more. with light you have to consider the direction your window faces, the season, whether the light is direct or indirect (ideally you would get something to measure the number of lumens????? lol), the thickness of any curtains through which the light passes, etc. soil type drastically changes how water drains, and the wrong soil will lead to the water sitting and root rot. drainage is also impacted by the type of pot (an unglazed terra cotta pot is porous so the water can soak through). when i found out that different plants prefer varying “hardness” of water i was like…………. babe sorry but i just can't help you.
i felt the same way whenever i try to get hot. people think that the only variable is time spent at the gym but actually it is impossible and you need to have a million dollars to buy chicken breasts and be able to allot 15 hours a week to it minimum. there are workout types, orders you do certain workouts, the days you do them, what you eat, when you eat it, how much you sleep.,,,,,,,,,, my fitness regimen of being constantly late and having to sprint to catch the B48 is much cheaper and easier.
these systems are functionally impossible, so the thought of trying to gain insight into the even more complex systems of the body and the mind is like…… ok good luck babe. i’m so impressed when people have a sense of which foods upset their stomachs. my stomach is so upset all the time and i have no idea why. like in any given moment i’ve consumed so many different types of foods, that have been prepared in so many different ways, and could also be like, anxious as well. i could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how my stomach works and only when i'm 65 be like “ohhhh, it was lentils. i can’t digest lentils. got it.”
other systems i want to understand but legit never will:
-creativity (like sometimes i am funny and sometimes i’m not……….. ok 911)
-my skin (literally don’t get me started. hell)
-productivity (cut to: me going to a coffee shop and writing “help” in the search bar of my web browser until i run out of free wifi and have to go home)
-happiness (………)
-posture (one of those things that i periodically remember and am like……. fuck)
i guess my only advice is to cling to the variables you understand and the minuscule self-knowledge you have accrued. they’re hard to come by and worth cherishing.
shows
here are the shows i’m doing this month! if ur not sure what the right “fit” for you pls email me and i’ll tell u what makes sense.
Thursday, April 11 / all day - it is my birthday (everywhere)
UM HELLO!!!! it is my birthday this thursday!!!!!!!!!! even if you won’t be celebrating with me please observe the occasion
Friday, April 12 / 7:30pm – Pop Show (Union Hall)
ok so i do love comedy but if i could choose to do anything it would be to be a rock/pop/broadway star. frankly singing really well in front of an audience feels better than making an audience laugh a lot (though just barely). unfortunately that dream is mostly dead but for one night it will live because i am performing a pop song at Ziwe’s incredible and iconic show. this is a true honor.
Friday, April 12 / 10pm – Taggart and Wittert: Lawyers At Law (Union Hall)
later that night i’m in Sam Taggart and Max Wittert’s play Lawyers At Law where (if my understanding is correct) they play gay Cellino & Barnes. i play a plaintiff with a dark secret (it won’t get revealed during the show. i just have the secret more as an acting exercise than anything else. like when you were in the ensemble in musicals and they encouraged everyone to develop their own character to engage them and people were like “i’m an alien” and it was like………. lauren that is too far).
Thursday, April 18 / 8pm – Stacy (Rebecca’s)
…do i even have to say it…… come to stacy. it’s always a very fun and gorgeous show. this month we have shalewa sharpe, eytan boclin, maya sharma, sam taggart, angelo balassone, and brian flaherty, who will be doing magic. it is literally so fun and rebecca’s is great and has cheap drinks and honestly it is my favorite night of the month.
Tuesday, April 23 / 7pm – Haha Wow (Caveat)
performing at Reductress’ (famous femme comedy website) monthly showcase, hosted by eva victor and taylor garron.
Tuesday, April 23 / 8pm – Cartoon Monsoon (Union Hall)
ok later that same night i’ll be performing at Cartoon Monsoon. i’m not going to ask you to come to both shows. just come to whichever feels right for your schedule and your life. i love union hall honestly and i love performing here both because it is a great venue that financially rewards performers (i luv to be paid) but also they give a lot of drink tickets and i usually take the extra ones and get to act magnanimous because i can buy people drinks. the power of saying like, “does anyone want a drink” is unparalleled.
other great shows
Every Tuesday / 10pm – PIG (Slipper Room)
this free show is every Tuesday at the Slipper Room. hosted by insanely talented peter smith and sandy honing, it’s my fave show to perform at and see. an easy tuesday night date?????? or just hang out.
Sunday, April 21 / 7pm – Anna Drezen (Union Hall)
Anna Drezen is an SNL writer and former EIC of Reductress. she is so funny!!! i once opened for her when she performed at my college.
Sunday, April 21 / 8pm – Not Dead Yet (C’mon Everybody)
ok sorry to give u two options on the same night but brooklyn legend lorelei ramirez' “not dead yet” is an amazing variety show and maybe that's more your speed. more alt, darker room, etc.
Friday, April 26 / 8pm – Cocoon Central Dance Team (Bell House)
veterans of the BK alt comedy. their act is funny but also more than that if that matters to you. legendary and iconic. watch here. this video is so good i just watched it again when i searched it.
other content
-if you have any interest in like the analysis of cultural items and what they mean, this piece by Ayesha Siddiqi is truly unparalleled. she basically goes through every clothing trend in the 2010's and connects it with contemporary politics and trends. brilliant. if you've ever wondered why kids who say they hate capitalism love to wear clothing only distinguished by the gigantic brand logo, this is a piece for you.
-i’ve spent probably (and realistically) ten hours in the past four days (going to leave a few spaces for people to do the math before i reveal what that is in hours per day ok it’s 2.5 hours per day) watching various grand dame interpretations of sondheim classics. it started with the iconic elaine stritch performance of "ladies who lunch," which led to the patti lupone performance of "ladies who lunch," which led to every theater actress of the last 40 years' rendition of sondheim songs.
musical theater is often mocked, sometimes fairly for being maudlin, but I think its under appreciated as a comedic medium. more than other forms of music writing, which can be brutally general (like every song is like “i love you”???? okay, yes and????). these songs are funny and witty and also sufficiently rich that different performers can have vastly different interpretations and deliver the jokes differently. compare all these performances of "could i leave you," about a woman who uhhhh hates her husband.
donna murphy
julie andrews
carol burnett
if something in this newsletter was interesting to u or u want to talk to me pls email!!!! i love getting responses, esp. from strangers. much love and—I can't stress this enough—happy birthday to me :)